(almost) home again home again.
Mojitos & spinach dip at my Atlanta layover. Luv u vacation
brb, goin to disneyworld
omg, omg you guys
The universe this week was immeasurably cruel to a good friend of mine. I don’t want to adopt her tragedy as my own, but I will say that I allowed myself one night of lying in bed feeling completely vulnerable, stuck together with twine and bubble gum, letting the feeling that I could lose everything at any time wash over me. I put on headphones like a teenager, crawled into bed with all my clothes on and thought: Larry could leave me. My family could die. Larry could die. I could die just to try and deal with the thoughts, for starters.
Jesus. How do you measure tragedy and sadness? How do you pull the plug on the universe and say hey, wait, this is too sad for one small, good person. And then how do you wake up happy to see another day after the world has proven it is not particularly on your side? I know sometimes, or I think I know, and then I forget, then remember, then forget.
So, we get through it like animals, I guess. Burrow, cry. Crawl out for food, crawl back for sleep. Then get through it like a human: put on clean clothes and clean sheets. Think the worst thoughts and then think, for lack of anything else, well, okay. All the worst things might happen. Wake up, decide to wake up, decide to keep living. Let someone you love lift up the covers and kiss your cheek.
Last night we had a spectacular dinner. We are on our second year now of living in our house. Tomorrow at this time I will be on a plane to Florida, to buy Mickey Mouse ears with Frances and Sarah. People keep walking by the front desk and crowing DisneyWorld! What? Go to DisneyWorld whenever you can. Lucky, lucky and happy.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
Elsinore, Wooden Houses (from The General EP)
This is the song Ryan sang to his wife at the altar. It’s very soothing, which has been good lately. I listen to it at work while craziness ensues around me.
oh, hey, see you guyz in disneyworld IN A WEEK.
— email from sarah to frances and me. SO STOKED
So here is a church door I find ominous
I finished a new zine, called YOU ARE AMONG FRIENDS yesterday. Meant for pre-teen/teen girls, very pro-optimism, pro-masturbation, pro-empowerment. If you want a copy for you or someone else PayPal $3 to meeeee lalalindsey@gmail.com w/ the mailing address. I’ll set up something more official soon.
I wish I had drive like her. When I got out of school, all I cared about was partying. Damn the ’60s. …and the ’70s. …and the ’80s. …and part of the ’90s.
— Jim the janitor, on Erica studying for the GMAT
i’m all screwed up about love right now. when i try to figure everything out, that’s the only conclusion i can come to: i can’t. i feel sometimes like i am slowly becoming cynical about love, but maybe i am also just slowly becoming realistic. now the trick is to figure out whether or not that is the same thing, and the trick after that will be to figure out whether or not i’d rather ignore reality and just throw my ass in anyway. i think that the simple fact that you’re so worried about your relationship with hannah means that your relationship with hannah will work. actually, forget what i said at the beginning of this paragraph about not knowing anything; because here’s something i’ve learned lately: IF YOU BOTH WANT IT TO WORK, YOU WILL WORK FOR IT TO WORK, AND IT WILL WORK. that’s not me being flippant. that’s me telling you what i really believe.
— something I wrote to my friend Aaron two years ago today. I don’t feel screwed up about love, or much else, anymore.
